Haha, VICTORY!

Pop Music Too Loud and All Sounds the Same: Official

A team led by artificial intelligence specialist Joan Serra at the Spanish National Research Council ran music from the last 50 years through some complex algorithms and found that pop songs have become intrinsically louder and more bland in terms of the chords, melodies and types of sound used.
  
This is from Reuters, not the Onion, so I now have no shame in requesting that you please vacate my literal and figurative area of aesthetic and recreational space, planted with durable things, subject to weed, pest control, and practices aimed at its maintenance, and regularly mowed to ensure an acceptable length. NOW.