Peter Hartlaub at the SF Chron listed his best breakup songs a while back, and I saved the article because I thought I'd take a stab someday. But then I thought, breakup songs are easy.

I want to make a mix of the best stalker songs -- not the obvious ones like "You Oughta Know" and "Every Breath You Take" and such, but the ones that masquerade as terribly romantic ditties. Though I don't think I can bring myself to place some of them in my iTunes long enough to burn the disc.

See what I mean:

1. "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You?" by Michael Bolton

And I don't wanna face the price I'm gonna pay for dreaming
Now that your dream has come true

Screw you and your dream! And hello -- y'all know who is actually going to "face the price." Nice.

Tell me how am I supposed to live without you
Now that I've been lovin' you so long
How am I supposed to live without you
How am I supposed to carry on
When all that I've been livin' for is gone

Truly chilling.

2. "I'm Your Man" by Wham!

Admittedly controversial in its stalker potential, for George Michael finishes the song with a nod to the consensual -- "If you want me, I'm your man" -- but I still place it on my list for this:

So good, you're divine
Wanna take you wanna make you
But they tell me it's a crime
Everybody knows where the good people go
But where we're going baby
Ain't no such word as NO

And the best one ever...

3. "Hungry Eyes" by Eric Carmen

The classic from every girl's favorite movie, Dirty Dancing. Aww it's so romantic! Um, no.

I've been meaning to tell you
I've got this feelin that won't subside
I look at you and I fantasize
You're mine tonight
Now I've got you in my sights

...

I want to hold you so hear me out

...

Now did I take you by surprise
I need you to see
That you were meant for me

Creeeeeeeeepy.

I can't front worth a shit though -- I actually like that song, saxophone and all. Makes me feel like I'm 12 again.



Okay, and those of you who know me know I'm totally bullshitting about not frikken LOVING that Wham! song too. George Michael in black, gyrating with inexplicable gloves and a tambourine = best. thing. ever. Though I was always an Andrew Ridgeley kind of girl.



I know I'll make you happy with the one thing that you never had.

C'mon, admit it -- you're so 12 again too.